Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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