he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
