He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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