We need to rekindle our bromance
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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