i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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