After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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