I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
