im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize