she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
