the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Randomize
