Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
