were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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