Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
