tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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