i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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