Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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