You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Sober January is a disaster.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
