I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
barbara walters just said penis...
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
