I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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