so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
