I just pynch a tree in the face
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
