I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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