i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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