broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
