I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
