someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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