I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
