that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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