So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Randomize
