Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize