The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize