She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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