I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
