I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
