I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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