Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
wrigley field is MILF paradise
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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