Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Randomize
