im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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