My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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