i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I will be naked everywhere
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
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