why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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