The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
