I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize