My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
