you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
