obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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