Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
