"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
