I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
