hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Randomize
