I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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