Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
