Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
