She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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