That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Randomize
