my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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