Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
