My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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