So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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