Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
